“I
just can’t do ANYTHING right,” my client sighed as she settled further into the
couch. ‘I should just accept that I am fat, depressed and a failure at
relationships. Nothing will help me.”
And as long as she chooses to continue
talking to, and about, herself that way, she WILL be overweight, depressed and alone, and most importantly,
unable to change, regardless of her therapist’s skills. For the fact is that
every cell in our body responds to what we think and say about ourselves.
Although
most of us are familiar with the “love our neighbors as ourselves” directive, we miss the meaning of the last part. Most
of us wouldn’t dream of calling our neighbor names or criticizing them
point-blank to their faces, yet we look in the mirror and do it to ourselves
every day. We feel compassion for our friend’s struggles with food,
relationships or other issues, yet we are merciless and impatient with our own.
Self love is a vital key to health, and self condemnation the thing that most
often keeps us from our goals. For instance, if you are having trouble ending
an unhealthy relationship, AND you “beat yourself up” for your “weakness,” we
now have THREE issues to overcome—the relationship, the self loathing, AND the
damage done to your self image by the insult! Self love, forgiveness for our
mistakes, and patience with our failures leads to the strength and discipline
necessary to move forward into a healthy, balanced life.
To
become your own encourager and best friend requires a deep examination of who
taught you to be self-critical in the first place. Where did the “I’m not OK”
message come from? It is most often from one of two sources—either what was
said about you by your parent, or
what a parent said about themselves
in front of you. If you heard negativity modeled in your growing up years, the
pattern was set for you to live that way as well. Children really do learn what
they live. But like any learned behavior, this thinking pattern can be changed;
sometimes by yourself, and sometimes with the help of a counselor if the
pattern is persistent or severe.
To
remain vital and healthy in your thinking throughout your lifetime, practice
catching yourself when you are saying or thinking self-critical things. Immediately
visualize a big red STOP sign to interrupt the pattern. Replace the
self-criticism with a positive, encouraging thought, such as “I’m proud of
myself for trying to change.”
If you focus on what you DON”T like about yourself,
you will get more of it, but focusing on
the successes in your life will lead to more success. Congratulate yourself
on victories, whether it’s a ten minute walk when you really just wanted to
watch television, or keeping your temper in traffic.
All
of us respond to love and encouragement, including when we give it to ourselves.
Give yourself the gift of acceptance!