WHAT Did You Just Say? Communication Differences of Men and Women
“He should just KNOW
what I want if he loves me,” she exclaims.
“I TRY to solve her
problems, but she gets mad when she’s upset and I give her advice,” he
declares.
And both of them think they are right. And both of them have
a right to see it that way.
And both of them would be wise to learn to see it from
another point of view.
Individuality notwithstanding, the stereotypes are somewhat
borne out by research: men are generally problem solvers and women generally
want intuitive, compassionate responses. To put it another way, when we
approach our partner with a problem, we expect them to react the way our best
(same sex) friends do. Or to put it another way: Men “fix” and women “feel.”
“And
here’s what you SHOULD do, wife…”
Men most often communicate in order to solve a problem, and they feel a sense of responsibility and love
when their partner is upset. What he
doesn’t realize is that she is not generally asking for advice, unless
she comes out and says so. Instead, she would like to be listened to and valued
while she processes her problem verbally. It tends to go something like this:
She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”
He: “Well, you should just quit that job and look for another. Here’s
the employment listings.”
When he jumps directly to his solution for her
life, she feels belittled, as if he feels she is not capable of adult
decisions. She really just wanted him to
listen, not solve!
So let’s look at a better way:
She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”
He: “You seem really upset. Tell me more.”
“If you LOVED me you would
just KNOW, husband…”
A mistake that women often make when communicating with the
opposite sex is called “mind reading:” that is, expecting to just hint, sigh,
glare, or otherwise get him to pick up on what she wants. This conversation
might go:
She: (sarcastically) “That trash
really smells, doesn’t it?”
He: “Sure does.”
Of course, she wanted
him to take the trash out, not agree with her! She winds up frustrated and
furious that he didn’t bow to the control, hint, guilt and manipulation barely hidden
in that remark.
A better way would be:
She: “Would you please take the trash out sometime in the next hour?”
He: “Sure, it’s my turn anyway.”
Women are socialized to be tactful, accommodating, and
indirect, but this does not serve them well in the real world. Instead, women
(and indeed, men as well) should be DIRECT, BRIEF, and SPECIFIC when asking for
what they need. This could save a lot of resentment; we all appreciate honest,
courteous, and upfront communication.
So it goes like this: men, you get in a lot of trouble when
you offer solutions instead of focused,
eye-to-eye, undivided attention and a listening ear when she is sharing her
problems with you.
And women, you shut down any hope of getting what you need
when you hint, sigh, use sarcasm, or otherwise expect him to read your mind.
Instead, be direct (“the trash”), specific (“within the next hour”) and courteous (“please”).
Communication is a skill that must be learned, but the basic
principles listed here can go a long way toward each person getting what they
want- a “win-win” for all parties.
