Codependency is excessive emotional or
psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support
due to an illness or addiction.
Being
in relationship with an alcoholic, addict, or otherwise out of control person
often causes behavior traits to emerge that cause great misery for the
“helper.” I often see this person in my
office, who comes in wanting to know how to change their loved one.
Unfortunately, we cannot change another adult, and efforts to do so usually
make the addict resist control by going deeper into their addiction.
The
Mistaken Beliefs of Codependents:
“If I
AM: good enough/nice enough/skinny enough/vigilant
enough/accommodating enough/loud enough/upset enough…
“If I say
it enough times in enough different ways…
“If I give
enough money/withhold enough money, give sex/withhold sex, pout, criticize, get
you out of bed in the mornings, do all the irrational things you demand…
THEN YOU
WILL BECOME THE PERSON I WANT YOU TO BE.
You
will do what I think you need to do to fix your life, our relationship.
You
won’t drink/cheat/use drugs/yell/hit/get mad at me.
You
will appreciate me.
If I do
all of the above and you STILL DON’T become the person I want you to be, then I
FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I FEEL GUILTY.
I keep
doing these things because I believe it will make you/others/God pleased with
me. You/others/God will admire me for my sacrifice. This is what makes me
worthy.
I know
exactly what YOU think, feel, and need, and why. I can analyze you endlessly.
I have
no idea what I think, feel, or need, or why. And I am uncomfortable when my
counselor asks me to be still, listen to myself, journal, dig deeper, try new
things that might make me happy, set a boundary with you.
I would
much rather figure out what’s wrong with YOU than look at ME.
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