“If we are facing in the right direction, all
we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb
I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly
when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making
them happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this.
Although I’m much better than I used to be,
I’m a bit of a control freak. I often use perfectly good energy trying to plan,
predict, and prevent things that I cannot possibly plan, predict, or prevent.
As a recovering control freak, there are three
things I know for sure about trying to control things:
1. We try to control things because of what we
think will happen if we don’t.
In other words, control is rooted in fear.
2. Control is also a result of being attached
to a specific outcome—an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we
always know what’s best.
When we trust that we’re okay no matter what
circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micro-manage the universe.
We let go. And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that
aren’t there when we’re attached to one “right” path.
3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much
more than the energy of control.
I suspect it’s slightly different for everyone,
but here’s what ‘control mode’ looks and feels like for me: My vision
gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and
my heart rate increases.
My mind shifts from topic to topic and from
past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and
almost no present-moment awareness.
In surrender mode, I’m calm, peaceful.
Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends
out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.
So the great irony is that attempting to
control things actually feels less in control. When I’m micro-managing and obsessing over
details, I know I’m in my own way.
The Art of Surrender
Surrender literally means to stop fighting.
Stop fighting with yourself. Stop fighting the universe and the natural flow of
things. Stop resisting and pushing against reality.
Surrender = Complete acceptance of what is +
Faith that all is well, even without my input.
It’s not about inaction. It’s about taking
action from that that place of surrender energy.
If letting go of control and surrendering not
only feel better, but actually produce better results, how do we do that?
Sometimes it’s as easy as noticing that you’re
in control mode and choosing to let go—consciously and deliberately shifting
into surrender energy.
For example, when I become aware that I’m in
control mode, I imagine that I’m in a small canoe paddling upstream, against
the current. It’s hard. It’s a fight. That’s what control mode feels like to
me.
When I choose to let go and surrender, I
visualize the boat turning around, me dropping the oars, and floating
downstream.
I’m being gently pulled, no effort necessary
on my part. Simply breathing and saying, “Let go of the oars” is usually enough
to get me there.
Sometimes it’s a little harder to make the
shift from control to surrender. Here are a few questions that can help:
1. What am I afraid will happen if I let go of
control?
When you pinpoint the fear, question its
validity. Ask yourself, Is it true? If you’re afraid the night will be ruined
if your boyfriend doesn’t remember to pick up eggplant (and you’ve already
reminded him 14 times), question that assumption.
Can you really know the night would be ruined
without the eggplant? And if it would be ruined (by your definition, anyway),
what’s so bad about that?
2. Find out whose business you’re in.
Your business is the realm of things that you
can directly influence. Are you there? Or are you in someone else’s business?
When we’re trying to control things outside of our own business, it’s not going
to go well.
3. Consider this: Would letting go feel like
freedom?
It almost always would. Let that feeling of
freedom guide you toward loosening your grip.
A Friendly Universe
Einstein said, “The most important decision we
make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”
I believe in a friendly universe.
Being receptive and allowing things to happen
is a skill that can be practiced and improved upon. It helps to believe in a
friendly universe—one that is supporting you at every turn so that you don’t
have to worry yourself over the details.
We can always choose to do things the easy way
or the hard way. We can muscle through, or we can let go of the oars and let
the current carry us downstream.
There is a peaceful, yet focused energy that
accompanies holding the intention of what I want, but not forcing myself to do
it. That energy is magic. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m allowing
it to become a habit instead of making it a habit.
If you need help letting go, please contact L. Kay Byers, LPC-S at 214 546 4514
If you need help letting go, please contact L. Kay Byers, LPC-S at 214 546 4514
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